How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
