i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
