well most of my day revolves around power hour
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
