I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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