i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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