We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
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I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
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All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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