That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
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i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
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VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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