Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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