you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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