I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Randomize
