Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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