For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
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