youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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