her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
