I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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