he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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