You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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