please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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