I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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