just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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