If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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