I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
