My friends, they love my intelligence
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
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