Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
