We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
