So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize