Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
