new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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