I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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