Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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