i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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