After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
