I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize