Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
