I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
