PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
