Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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