he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Randomize
