life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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