Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
third nipple confirmed
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
