morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
