Where did you get a picture of my penis
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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