Umm I'm too high to move.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
