i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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