I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
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