I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
