I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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