He asked me if I "almost moaned"
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
