Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
