I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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