Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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