If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
