I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
it's like heaven, but drunker
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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