best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
