watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
