i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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