I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
This gyro tastes like lonliness
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
