I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
