so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
