I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
love makes seman taste better
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
