you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
My vagina is very pro this idea
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
